Thursday, December 2, 2010

Learning a Lesson

I have thought a lot over the last couple of days about writing this post, mostly because it is so crazy personal....and so crazy for that matter. (Please don't think I am maniacal or anything after reading this!)

When I was really young I watched an episode of "Saved by the Bell, " the one where Jessie Spano wants nothing more than to become the valedictorian of her class. Well, that very moment, I made that silly ranking my primary goal. Through many, many prayers and refusing to study on Sundays, that silly, worldly dream came true. Heavenly Father was true to form and answered my plea. That 4.0 (a symbol of perfection) was such a beautiful number to find on the final transcript.

Fast-forward to college. I decided to try and keep this silly thing going until I finished my undergraduate years. Why stop a good thing, I thought. Well, I let that little number create anxiety and stress. I didn't let school rule everything, in fact, I preferred extracurricular involvement in college. I couldn't let go of that goal. And again, Heavenly Father so faithfully answered my many prayers for help. I happily led my college in walk and with a 4.0 GPA as I received a Bachelor's Degree.

Sadly, I have let that 4.0 determine my worth as a person. I recently learned, now in my third semester of graduate school, that I will be unable to get an A in one of my classes. My 4.0 goal for graduate school is now impossible. I knew that getting the first A- or B+ would be hard, but I never really knew how horrible I would feel inside. I have felt incredibly incompetent. Looking at the B+ on a paper (that solidified my non-A) gave me the worst pit in the stomach I can image. I just kept hearing that little B+ chanting "failure" directly in my ear. I have sobbed and sniffled and coupled over many times over the last few days. I continued staying busy and working hard, but the moment things became quiet, the moment I was able to think, my heart felt so broken.

Right now, as I type this, I am crying. Of course. I am trying so hard to learn from this situation and move on. This was the hardest semester of balance I have faced, and unfortunately school took a back seat yet time after time. Only, this time Heavenly Father didn't bail me out. He let me fall and fall and fall, getting back up each time. I am learning though. I am recognizing, more and more, that I am worth more than what that little number indicates. I am resilient, and I have a lot going for me. I am going to be successful and make beautiful babies and be a happy mother and wife.

I just hope no one else is placing their worth on something that really lacks intrinsic worth. Our worth comes because we are amazing, god-like children of our Heavenly Father, and we have the capacity within us to resemble Him more and more each day. We have potential to achieve greatness through faith and the willingness to endure.

I love Him, and I am thankful for the opportunities I have to grow and stretch myself a little more and a little more all the time. He is going to shape me into something really special someday. I just have to let Him do it. Just you watch!

5 comments:

Sefhazem and Pagerbeep said...

Kasi, not only are you an A+ in my eyes, but many others as well. You are of infinite worth and don't ever forget that. Love ya girl!!!

Shanna and Brad said...

Oh Kasi! I can totally relate. It is so hard to be okay with imperfection...it's so easy to think, "If only I had done a little bit more." I'm sure you gave it all you had, considering how busy you've been. And a B+ is more than sufficient to pass the class and that is really the goal right!? I know, it is still hard to swallow with a perfectionist mentality. I know all too well!

Shanna and Brad said...

And you already are an amazing person! It's hard for me to imagine someone better than you!

jess said...

Kasi- oh my goodness, girl. The thing that I have always admired about you is the way that you love life. You are cheerful beyond belief and always kind. You are amazing, no matter your grades!

Amy Johnson said...

This is coming a little late, but I just have to say that it was a good post for me to read, because I had had the goal of getting all "A"s during grad school and I got my first B+ this last semester too. The part that made me so mad was that it should have been my easiest class. I just wanted to say thanks for the post, I needed it! Love ya